


Restez ici s'il vous plaît

by Imtoopickywithusernames



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, M/M, Suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-03 01:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5271065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imtoopickywithusernames/pseuds/Imtoopickywithusernames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every year I have waited until the same day, gone to the same place, stared at the same road beneath me, looked at the same sky above me, had the same thoughts of death, and had the same person talk me out of it. For 4 years it had been the same pattern. This was the last time. He couldn't follow me this time. I'd make sure of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Restez ici s'il vous plaît

_Première tentative_

 I looked around my empty apartment for what I hoped was the last time. The floor was a mess, the kitchen was a mess, and the whole place just looked disgusting. There was a time when I might have cared about that, but that time had long since gone. I didn't care about much anymore. I sighed and picked up the piece of paper that looked so out of place against the darkness of my room. It was only a short note. I didn't have many people who would care enough to read a note I had left after I was dead. In fact, the only people I had mentioned were my mum, dad, and brother. No friends. No extended family. No girlfriends, boyfriends, best friends, friends with benefits. Nothing like that. Just close family. Though, even they probably wouldn't care all that much about what I had to say. I put the letter in my jacket pocket and headed out the door without looking back.

I had planned where I was going for little under a year now. There was a bridge just half a mile away from my apartment, where the road was far beneath and the traffic went too fast to stop for me if I happened not to die from the impact of the fall. I wasn't even scared. In some way, I was excited. Death was waiting for me with it's arms open, waiting to embrace me and lead me away from this world. 

I pulled my jacket tighter around me, the cold English chill nipping at my skin. It wouldn't take long to walk. Not at this rate. My legs were moving faster than they had done in years; eager to finish their last job with triumph. I could see the bridge getting closer and closer. Very few people were out, and none of them would be able to stop him. They'd just call the police, but he'd be long dead by the time they got there. One guy was standing still, staring out over the bridge, looking almost peaceful. Maybe he had the same idea. I couldn't decide whether I'd prefer to die with the compony of a stranger, or completely alone. Didn't matter either way. Either way I would die. Either way they'd find me. Either way he'd have nothing to do with it.  
I stopped about half way across the bridge and looked down. Cars were speeding by underneath me, too fast for me to focus on any of them. I took a deep breath, not wanting to wait any longer, and hauled myself up onto the metal railing, holding onto the wire that ran above it. "Excuse me?" A voice said behind me. I froze, not wanting to reply, but also not wanting to die right in front of someone. I did still have morals. "Could you, maybe, talk to me for a bit?" they asked. Again, I said nothing, but my grip on the wire tightened. "What's your name?"  
"Why, do you want to call the police?" I asked through clenched teeth.  
"No," he almost laughed, "I just want to know your name."  
"Phil." I replied after a long pause.  
"I'm Dan. It's nice to meet you Phil. You look to be around my age - 22?"  
"26."  
"Really? Four years older than me? Damn, you certainly don't look it!"  
"Why are you talking to me?"  
"Because I think you're interesting." Dan said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.  
"You don't know anything about me."  
"I know you must have a story. All the saddest people have a story." He said simply. My hand began to shake and I stepped down off the railing. I still didn't look at Dan though. How had a stranger managed to make him change his mind after a year of planning, with a single sentence. I clenched my fists as tears began to form in my eyes. Without a word I turned towards him and hugged him. He didn't complain. He just held me tightly and stroked my hair as a sobbed into his shoulder. Why this had all happened I did not know. I didn't care either. "Come on. Let's get you home." Dan said, taking a hold of my hand and squeezing it tightly, leading me back across the bridge.

 

_Deuxième tentative_

 My phone buzzed again. It had been doing that constantly all day, but I hadn't looked at it once. I knew it was Dan. I knew he was getting worried about me. I had been distant for a few days now. I knew what was coming, but I doubt he remembered. A year ago today he had talked me down off that bridge, and now I wanted to do what I had planned back then. I had written a new note, this time, I had included Dan. My family wouldn't know who he was, but I didn't care. I would be dead. What would it matter? My apartment was tidier than it had been last year, as Dan would come over every so often and help me tidy. I say help. I really mean that I would lay in bed staring at the ceiling whilst he put all my belongings away. I felt bad for him. All that would have been for nothing.

I opened the front door, and shut it behind me, not bothering to lock it. I had left my phone on the kitchen table, it was still lighting up constantly with messages and calls from Dan. "Sorry Dan." I whispered as I walked along the path that led to the bridge. He wouldn't know to come here. He wouldn't suspect that after a year I would come back to the same place and attempt the same thing. I felt a little sadder than I did last time, as this time I had something I was actually leaving behind. An actual friendship. But that wasn't enough to stop me. I didn't even consider stopping. My feet taking me subconsciously to where I wanted to go.

There were a few more people than last time. A small group was milling around at the start of the bridge, smoking cigarettes and  drinking cheap beer. I used to do that when I was 17. They laughed loudly as he passed. Logic told me that they weren't laughing at me. What reason did they have to laugh at me? But logic wasn't the part of my brain that was in charge right now. I sped up my pace a little- angry now. I'd show them. I'd show them what it meant to laugh at strangers. It meant death and regret. They'd be sorry, they'd be- "PHIL!" I heard the scream as my foot was planting itself on the barrier. "PHIL! FUCK!" The scream was louder. I looked around, but I couldn't see anyone. I took a shuddering breath and pulled myself to a standing position on the barrier. Footsteps pounded to the left of me, and short sharp breaths could be heard. "Phil!" The voice was a little quieter now, and not too far away from me. I knew it was Dan, and he wished he hadn't come. "Dan, please..." I pleaded. I wanted this to be over. I wanted to die.  
"No, Phil." He said, stopping next to me, panting.  
"Dan, I can't do it anymore. You delayed it a year, wasn't that enough?" I didn't turn around.  
"No, Phil."  
"WHY NOT?" I shouted, suddenly angry at him, and at the world, and at myself. Dan didn't reply for a while, which made me turn. His face was streaked with tears as he looked at me. I stared back, half willing myself to just jump, and the other half willing me to get down and run to Dan. "Dan..." I choked on the word.  
"I love you Phil, come on, please don't leave me alone." He whispered, his eyes pleading me more than words ever could. "Why won't you let me die?" I cried, stepping down and collapsing onto the pavement. "I just want it to end. I can't do this anymore!" I sobbed into my hands and he crouched next to me, and pulling me so I was leaning against him. He kissed my hair softly. "Yes you can. I'll help you."

 

_Troisième tentative_

 I placed the pancakes I had made on a plate in the middle of the table. Might as well do something nice for him one last time, right? I went into our room and woke him with a kiss. "Morning Dan." I whispered, trying not to let anything get through in my voice. He groaned and looked at the clock. "Why are you waking me up?" He asked, stretching. I shrugged. "I made breakfast." I said simply. Dan suddenly reached for his phone and checked it. "Special occasion?" He asked, and I could hear the suspicion in his voice. "Not really," I lied, "I just wanted to do something nice for you." I knew Dan wasn't an idiot. He had been asking me for the last two months whether I planned to go out on the same date this year. I had said no every time, but even I knew I was a terrible liar. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before getting himself out of bed. He kissed me slowly, his fingers trailing my back. He knew my plan.

It was getting late, and I knew I had to go soon. I was practically itching to leave. My fingers twitched on the side of the couch, and my leg bounced up and down. "You alright?" Dan asked. I nodded, not looking at him. "I'm going to go get some milk. We're almost out after you made pancakes this morning." I nodded again and he smiled, kissing my cheek before standing and leaving the building. I quickly went to my drawer and pulled out my new note. Dan was the main subject of this one. My family were still included of course, but Dan was only one who I knew would care after I was gone. He was the only one I wanted to leave a lasting message for. I placed it on the bed, and put my phone on top of hit. He was bound to try and call me when he got back and found I wasn't there. And then he would find the note as he found my phone. And by the time he found my phone it would be too late. Perfect.

The walk from Dan's apartment where I had been living, to the bridge was a little shorter than the walk from my old apartment, so I got there in good time. There were very few people about. One guy stood at the bridge, just like the first time, and one other person was walking on the opposite side. I watched as the guy waiting paced away from me a little before turning around and pacing back. Was he waiting for someone? I shrugged it off, walking closer to my spot. The guy turned again and I caught his face in a flashing light from a car below. Dan. He had come to wait for me. I didn't stop. I knew if I stopped walking I wouldn't be able to do it. I walked right past him, and he grabbed my wrist. "Why?" He asked. He wasn't telling me to stop. This had changed since last year. I tugged my arm away and kept walking. "Why?" Dan repeated, his voice wobbling. I climbed up. "Why?" He asked once more. I turned my head to look at him. "Because I don't belong here." I replied, leaning forward ever so slightly. If I just let go I could end it. If I just loosened my fingers I would fall. Dan said nothing. His body language told me to choose for myself, but his eyes betrayed him. If you love someone, let them go, right? I bit my lip. "Dan?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Why did you stop me?"  
"When?"  
"That first year."  
"Because it was the right thing to do-"  
"No, I want the real reason. Not the socially acceptable moral reason." I said, closing my eyes. A gentle breeze was blowing against my face. Dan sighed. "Because you looked as sad as I was. Because I looked at you as you walked by my, and I thought that you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Because when I watched you step up there I realised that I couldn't forgive myself if I let you die without trying to save you." Dan held my gaze. For the third year in a row, I stepped down, but this time I didn't cry. This time I wasn't angry. This time I felt nothing. I walked past Dan back towards the apartment. Dan followed silently.

 

_Dernière tentative_

 Dan slept peacefully and I envied him for that. I hadn't been able to sleep that well in years. This year I had decided that early morning would be best, as that way, Dan would be asleep. The note I had written this year only included Dan. He was the only one I cared about. I didn't care if my family cried. All I cared about was that Dan knew I loved him, even though I had left him. I reached under the bed and pulled out the handcuffs that we had used many times, but those times they had been used for something enjoyable for the both of us. This time they would only be enjoyed by me. I gently took Dan's arm and held it against the bedpost before handcuffing him to the bed. He stirred, but didn't awake. I put the key in my pocket. He could call someone to get them off. His phone was in within his reach. I leaned down and kissed him. That woke him up. "Phil?" He murmured.  
"I love you Dan." I said, standing up.  
"I love you too, but what-" He went to move, but found himself trapped. "Phil?" He said, sounding panicked as I began to leave. "PHIL!" He yelled, but I kept walking. He wasn't going to stop me this time. I could hear him crying and begging met to come back but I didn't. I kept walking. Walking. Walking. Faster. Running. I got to the bridge in record time. I stepped up onto the railing, and didn't think twice before letting myself fall. Wind slapped me in the face, screaming past my ears. For a second I thought I saw Dan, but that wasn't possible. A split second of unimaginable pain, and then, blackness. Darkness all around me. I had done it. I was finally free. Finally at peace.

 

_Dernier adieu, L'éternelle bonjour_

 I watched Dan struggle more and more every year. I watched him cry, and call my name in his sleep. I watched him stop eating. I watched him stop caring. Death wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be peaceful, not watching everything I loved slip away into the madness that had taken me. I wanted to comfort him, to help him, but I could do nothing from beyond his realm. I knew Dan was planning the same fate that had ended me. He had been planning it for a year. Same place. Same time. Same everything. Except I knew that no kind stranger would be able to save him as he stepped up onto that barrier. I watched him cry as he fell, and I watched him hit the ground - his body breaking, and his soul shattering. I closed my eyes, not wanting to look any longer. I felt a cool hand on my shoulder. "I'm here." I heard Dan's voice. I turned and embraced him. "I know."

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling a little...down...today. I'm fine, just in case you were worried, but I wanted to write something sad, and so I did,  
> If you were wanting translations, the title: Please Stay  
> First attempt  
> Second attempt  
> Third attempt  
> Final attempt  
> Final goodbye, eternal hello.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and I hope I didn't upset anyone too much. I'll be back with Dancing On Ivory soon enough, so don't worry.


End file.
